Arrange Kirby and Earth’s forgotten enemies as much as I don’t want to kill them

Kerbeled

In the world of magazines, the back page is where you find all the weird idiots we couldn’t put anywhere else. Some might call it “stuffing”. We prefer a “full page for making horrible jokes casually linked to mag content”.

We don’t have (paper) web pages, but we still love horrible jokes – so welcome to our semi-regular feature, Back Page. Today, Kate is taking a stand against the ethics of killing Kirby’s cute little men…


I’ve been playing a lot of Kirby and the Forgotten Land lately, and while it’s not very challenging in terms of mechanical difficulty, it is until far away The challenge in terms of ethics.

You see, Kirby is a little pink ball of indeterminate species, and his friends – Waddle Dees – are also squiggly little things, which look like Different but similar Ocean. It’s very hard to define exactly what counts as “something nice and friendly” and “something evil for the flying enemy” other than just asking yourself, “Are they currently trying to kill you?” Until then, I’m not sure if I should kill them right away.

Are these other creatures actually “bad”? They were all coexisting peacefully before Kirby showed up and devour them, after all. Am I, as Kirby, imposing some kind of apocalyptic order on a chaotic world, all in pursuit of turning this post-apocalyptic paradise into Waddle Dee City? Am I some kind A criminal of war?

To calm my conscience, I’ve compiled a ranking list of all Kirby’s enemies, with the F-Tier being “No, these guys deserve to die” and the S-Tier being the ones who choose to kill these cutesy actual monsters.” I’d like to invite you all to send in a hard copy of these Article to the HAL Lab to beg them for mercy.

Class F: These guys deserve to die

gnawing

gnawing

I feel like I’m starting out quite mean, because Gnawcodile doesn’t really want to start a fight if he can help him. These big boys patrol around the islands and they can’t be sniffed or defeated – you can just avoid them, but if you swim too close they will nibble at you. Technically, if you ran over them with a boat, they wouldn’t be a problem for you, but I feel like Kirby – a true god – should be able to take on a crocodile.

Shutzu

Shutzu

They are just rifles with legs. I don’t know how they became–maybe their mother was a slightly larger gun–but it’s one of nature’s faults. The only thing that saves them is their cute little legs, but that’s no excuse. Mosquitoes have small legs too, and they suck in every way they can.

Muki
Photo: IGN

Muki

Honestly, any enemy that relies on a scary monkey carrying a toy/torture device can go into the trash.

E TIER: I don’t feel bad about this

Balloon Meister

Balloon Meister

I guess this might be a personal vendetta, but I hate Balloon-Meister, the bomb-throwing sea lion, more than I imagine most people do.

That’s because I like seals: they are round, squishy, ​​and very dumb, and they spend all day lying on the beaches and screaming. they are great! On the other hand, sea lions are curious, shiny, not spongy. And the thing is, I go to aquariums ready to hang out with squash loaves and there’s always a bloody sea lion, with its massive fins and slender body, balancing a ball on its nose like that makes it all right. number! It didn’t!

You are not seals, and I resent you for that.

Mombies
Photo: IGN

Mumbai

Mombies are scary! They follow you throughout the level with their scary red eyes and I hate them. I’m sorry, but these guys should go back to their coffins and leave Kirby alone. The only retrieve feature they have is that they are round, which is a good shape.

capo

capo

It’s hard to feel bad about killing enemies that look like inanimate things, or at least aren’t sensitive beings. capo Everywhere In Forgotten Land, and while I feel a little bad for using it as an easy-to-kill filler enemy, I don’t feel bad for being the one to kill him. It is a sand castle.

crocum poison

crocum poison

I haven’t fought this guy yet, but he doesn’t look cute. He seems angry at the length of the queue, or the kind that tells people to eat bananas in public. It is also covered in poison. This is the type of character who might call the police on trick-or-treaters. I hate him.

Spockstep
Photo: IGN

Spockstep

I didn’t fight this guy either, but there aren’t many ghost-type enemies that I work with. Listen, you’re already dead! Leave me alone, or you will be killed twice!

snicker
Photo: IGN

snicker

You might think, “How bad is a snake? It’s just a snake, and snakes are nice.” I agree with you! Wonderful snakes! But I think Sssnacker belongs in class E for one reason in particular: the digestibility stuff is *my* thing. Back off, snake boy.

Cyclone
Photo: IGN

Cyclone

It’s just a little windy, right? I don’t feel bad about killing the wind.

D TIER: Meh, no big loss

Decabo

Big Cabo

Cabo is E Tier because Cabo is a sand castle with a face. Big Kabu is a D Tier because she is the mother of the Kabu (which comes out of her mouth). Morally killing mothers is a little worse than killing… their children… isn’t it? My God.

knock it

knock it

I love moles. This guy is kind of a scary mole – and also, he keeps trying to kill me with his auger. Plus, and I’m sorry to say this, its design isn’t that great.

Fanta
Photo: IGN

Fanta

Another bloody ghost will not leave you alone. This one is at least cuter than the others, so it bumps into a D level.

Torturner

Torturner

It’s just a turtle stuck in a piece of concrete. I feel a little bad about killing him, because you have to do it by driving a nail into his shell, then into his soft body, but he started it by trying to bite me.

Tortinga
Photo: IGN

Totinga

What if cacti hate you? This is the question Totinga asks. I haven’t fought him yet, but I don’t particularly care if he lives or dies, because when I was a kid, a cactus fell on my bed while I slept, and I had to pick the nails out of my skin for days. Don’t ask why there is a cactus near my bed! Can a child not sleep next to an aloe vera plant without fear?


Continue to page two to see Layer C all the way to S Tier, which will take you from “A mysterious and uncomfortable human to kill” all the way to “What monster would kill this creature?!” …